The Story of my Life

Planning session for Anna's bridal shower: Will meet up with Flow and Mellay to plan Anna's bridal shower. I haven't seen Mellay in such a long time so this will be a chance to catch up. Yes, Anna is, indeed, getting married. Bridal shower is set on Apr 7. I wonder how the bigbarks bridal shower would be like...Tsinay's bridal shower kasi is very wholesome.

***

Boracay: Flip backed out from our Bora trip so I'm left with my brother and his girlfriend. Initially, I was upset after hearing this but I realized, I can't do anything about it so I have no choice but to be 'ok' with it. Things are not the same anymore. I sometimes find it hard to accept that my friends are moving on. I just miss them...I miss the fun we all shared before. Oh well, life should go on for me too. I'll just take this trip as my time to reflect on how my life was changed by the things that happened in the past and how I can use it make my life more meaningful.

***
Finding myself: I have been changing perspective and, honestly, I don't like what I think, feel and see. I feel like I'm losing the goodness in me, which scares me. Because I don't want to have a cold heart. I don't want to be someone who doesn't feel. I talked to Gs about this during our afternoon cigarette break and I was surprised to hear myself talking with so much anger, bitterness and regret. This is not me. I try so hard to to put up a happy facade, to give others the impression that I'm okay and happy, but when I'm on my own, I get to think about a lot of things. I get to think and wonder, why the hell am I getting all these challenges when all I have hoped for and done was to make other people happy.

I was at Days Weekend last saturday, and unlike the past Weekends I held back my tears when people started to crucify Jess. Hammering has always been the heaviest part of the Weekend for me because everytime that mallet hits the cross, I feel the pain He went through to save all of us...But I fought back the tears because I didn't want people to see that I was crying. Because, I thought, if I cried they would see how I empty I am. And they would only have pitty for me.

I only want to be happy...for crying out loud. How long do I have to wait to be happy? Gs said that I shouldn't rush it, that it will eventually come. Good Lord, please hurry. I don't want to lose myself.

to be continued...