The Story of my Life

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
`Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this amour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

~0~0~
Read as: Bored sa work...Tinatamad magtrabaho...gusto mag-shopping...gusto nang umalis...hehehe

I was with my college friends last night. Had dinner, played Taboo (the ever favorite!), exchanged gifts and had a few drinks (wooaaahhh!!! bago `to!) . Thanks to Jerome and Aileen who contributed beer and Iris for the Red Wine. Thanks to Iris and Edison too for allowing us to hold our party in their humble abode.

I had so much fun last night. It was something I really missed doing. Spending time with this people. After the party, I asked myself, why was I so afraid of opening up to them despite knowing each other for almost a decade. Probably because a lot has changed in me. I was the goody-goody type back in college. I smoke but not as much as Kris used to. I don't drink. I don't go out on gimmicks. My life before revolved around them and my ex-boyfriend... But now, I'm the only smoker in the group (well, Kirk is a smoker too but when Meng's around he pretend he's not *wink*...Sobrang katawa mukha ni Kirk whenever I'd smoke and he can't!)...the only gimmickera (manginginom...Jerome was even teasing me that he bought the beer for me! Eazy!)...and ang pinakasawi sa lahat!

I'm trying to open up to them now, little by little. I'm showing them who I really am and so far, the feedback is good. They understand and I believe they accept me. Nothing to be fearful about.

Here's a peak of our Christmas party. Meng haven't uploaded everything (including the Single's photo =D)...

I celebrated my 4th day with Flip, Anna, Anasan, and Lou last Monday...now, for the benefit of non-Dazers, the 4th day is the time you go down the hill to face the real world. After experiencing His overwhelming love, you are sent back to share the same love you've and live life with a renewed faith.

Went to Sidebar...hahahahaha...bisyo pa rin! At least this time, we're all happy. No angst to vent out. Just pure celebration of life.

We looked back at the year that was and realized what we've all gone through this year. Talked about the happiest moments, the best photo, the bloopers, the gigs...etc. Let's not discuss the struggles, let's take a closer look at the blessings we received this year:

Anna Santos got a post at PhilScan in April.
Anna Cuvin is transferring to a new company by next year.
Chrisse was promoted at pumapayat lalo.
Flip started his Masters in UP (Natupad din ang dream mo to study in UP)
Flow took the leap to fall inlove. (Dalaga ka na Junior!)
Lou has a new and more exciting job at People Support.
Mellay met the love of her life...Patrick.
Dan found Shelley.

My blessings are over flowing...
1. I got the consultancy job I've been expecting since November of last year.
2. I travelled thrice this year.
a. Went to Boracay in April(kahit na may last minute glitches)
b. Shanghai in October (sa wakas, natatakan na ang passport ko!)
c. Galera in March and November
3. I passed my Compre...7 subjects, all in one take! Wooohoooo...
4. I have a set of new friends...the Big Barks
5. I went to two retreats this year (Singles Encounter in March, and Days with the Lord in December)
6. Regular post in ADB (Medical Exam na ko!!!)
7. My Dad and brother are in good terms.
8. More deeper relationship with Kuya and Dad.
And the greatest blessing of all...
9. A second chance to do things right...A second chance to see how beautiful life is...

Lou posted a question to us last Monday..."WERE YOU A BLESSING TO SOMEBODY THIS YEAR?" I had trouble answering it so I'll just reverse the question..."WHO ARE THE PEOPLE WHOM YOU CONSIDER AS BLESSINGS TO YOUR LIFE?"

1. My Family...my source of love and strength. My refuge. My life.
"God has given us no greater blessing than that of belonging to a loving and loyal family - and it will be so, always and forever

2. Big Barks(Anna, Anasan, Chrisse, Flip, Flow, Lou, Mellay, Mares and Dan)...the people who proved to be more than just a kainuman...my support group...my source of inspiration and hope.
"Sometimes you can't believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you're ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too. Even when you're in the dark...even when you're falling

3. Bestfriend Mei and Michelle...for sticking it out with me. My constant confidant. The two people who knows everything about me.
"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg, even though she knows that you are slightly cracked."

4. Ria...my source of faith. My prayer warrior...
"Faith is not faith, until there is nothing to hold on to

5. Ching...my travel companion. Shanghai, Galera...and soon Bangkok or Bora naman...For keeping me up on our way home from RCBC. For always wanting to hear my stories.
"We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an hones friend

6. Jeff, Godwin, Love and Myla...my MBA friends. I wouldn't have passed this school year's challenges without our concerted efforts...for continuously encouraging us to study.
"I get by with a little help from my friends."

7. Tsinays (Aileen, Arle, Kristine, Iris, Meng, and Sons) and their partners (Gerome, Butch, Edison, Kirk and Carter)...my goodie friends. After college, I felt I drifted from these people. I felt we lost the bond. I neglected this people for a time. But now, I am back in the loop again. =)
"No matter where life takes us, some friendships are forever."

8. Lynette and Malou...if not because of them I wouldn't be in ADB now. If not because of them my career in ADB could have ended the same time my contract expired in December 2003. They've always believed in my skills, that I can do more
"Because you believed in me, I believed in me."

I've branded the previous year as a "hell year" for me and I was about to brand this year the same for all my struggles. But after counting my blessings, I realized, its not at all that bad. I forgot to see how beautiful and rewarding this year was. I may have lost some people, but, hey...I gained so much more.

I woke up today feeling light. Looking forward to spending my weekend with the Yuppie Days with the Lord Weekend. I've attended several Weekends like this and I know that I'll have a wonderful time.

I feel that I need to renew my spiritual commitment with the Lord after all that happened in my life this year. I don't wana elaborate cause He knows. I've encountered a lot and it tested my faith in Him and I think I owe Him so much.

Despite my stubborn head, the Lord continues to shower me with blessings. Just this morning, I got a text from my officemate congratulating me for passing the final stage of the recruitment process in ADB. I am now a regular staff of ADB. Though its not yet official, I am still grateful for the people who believes in me. If my mom were still alive, she would be proud of me. I know this is her dream. She was the first person who urged me to apply in ADB. I was skeptic back then thinking that working in ADB will just be a waste of time. But now, although this is far from my undergraduate degree, I feel that it will give me exposure in developmental work. Oh well! Thank you again Lord and Mom!

Another thing to be thankful for is Kuya. He brought me to work this morning. Went out of his comfort zone to wake up early and bring me to work cause I didn't bring my car. What touched me the most during drive to work was when he handed me a gold coin (five peso coin), which I need to bring for the weekend. Muntik na ko maluha! Because since Monday, I've been looking for a shiny five-peso coin and ewan ko, pero parang pag may nakikita ako parang I don't feel complete or fulfilled with it. I don't know. But when he gave me that, yung puso ko parang biglang nag-thump out of happiness. Thanks Kuya.

Kuya, if you're reading this, I want to thank you for loving me the way you do. I am happy with the how things are doing in our family. You don't know how happy I am now that you and Dade are in good terms. Sabi ko kasi dati, I will make a way to settle your differences but I always fail, for fear of rejection siguro. But now, everything's okay. Thank you and I love you.

Here are some of my favorite quotes I got from books I read in my time of solitude...

Isn't this the hardest? I've always believed in giving 100% in relationships. Cause I don't wana find myself years from now, telling someone...Hey you're the one that got away. But then again, there's a risk. To give your 100% is to open up yourself to more hurt. But at least, you can proudly tell yourself..."I loved...I gave it my all. Still I lost. But hey! I'm so much smarter now."

It would be nice, however, to one day meet the one whom you thought got away, go up to him and say, "You almost got away..."

I was browsing through some of my friends home pages, and here's what I found:

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of
people. Ones with whom you shared something
special, ones who will always mean something.
There's the one you first kissed, the one you
first loved, the one you lost your virginity to,
the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're
with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that
person with who everything was great, everything
was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There
was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in
the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the
right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with
someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does
not lie merely in the other person. I can actually
argue that an equal part, or maybe even the
greater part, has to do with the matter of timing.
It has to do with you being ready to settle down
and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond
the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even
realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in
that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're
with, it just doesn't work. Small problems
become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers
simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's
not that you and the person you're with are no
good; it's just that it's not yet right, and
little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And
when this happens you'll be ready to settle down
with someone. He or she may not be the most
perfect, they might not be the brightest star of
romance to ever have burned in your life, but
it'll work because you're ready. It'll work
because it's the right time and you'll make it
work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making
sense of things, and you find yourself to be a
different person. Things are different, your
approach is different, you finally understand who
you are and what you want, and you've become ready
because the time has truly arrived. And mind you,
there's no telling when this day will come .
Hopefully you're single but you could be in a
long-term relationship, you could be married with
three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is
that you've changed, and for some reason, the one
that got away, is the first person you think
about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder,
"What if they were here today?" You'll wonder,
"What if we were together now, with me as I am and
not as I was?" That's what the one that got away
is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your
life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept
the fact that the one that got away, got away.
Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think
your marriage is, this can happen to the best of
us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize
that you're already with the one you're with and
this is just another test of your commitment,
one which will just strengthen your marriage when
you get past it.
Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often,
but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a
"might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's
already married. In which case it's the same
thing. You just have to accept and know that your
memories of that person will probably bring a
nice little smile to your lips in the future when
you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's
different. What do you do if it's not yet too
late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the
very existence of a "one that got away" means that
you'll always wonder, what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie,
it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of
nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be
"the one that got away" as well for the person who
is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it
won't make a difference. If the timing is finally
right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and
you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great
feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone.
...
"Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

So there, in case you find "the one who almost got away" take that risk and tell him/her. Do I have a "the one who got away"? I don't think so.

I got this from Meyj’s blog…Thanks Ai! Sorry will copy it for now. I want to give my own interpretation to this kasi sobrang I can relate to this now.

I fear that things may have changed. I miss you terribly that it kills me sometimes. You don’t seem to miss me anymore. But I love you anyway.
There was never a day that I didn’t think of him. Even in the most mundane things I do, I still think of you. The most difficult part of the day is when I’m driving to and from work. Without radio (Aarrggghhh!!! I need to get that radio fixed.), all I think about is how deep you are in your sleep after a night of partying with your friends…Do you think of me? Do you still dream of me like you used to? Do you still dream of me as your wife? Do you still dream of our family? I guess not.

Sometimes I feel that you have become distant. I do not feel the same warmth from you anymore. Its like you have gotten sick of chasing me. Well its not like I want you to go chasing me everyday. You don’t seem to be aware that it is you who have the power to stop this mad chase. You would only have to ask. Easy as that.
Yesterday you logged in. No His nor hellos. I was waiting for you to buzz me like you used to. But I guess things have really changed. Did you even notice me? Did you even attempted to say hi? Don’t you want to know what I’ve been doing? Didn’t you say you cared for me? Didn’t you say you wanted to take care of me? I guess time has changed you.

I wait and wait to hear what I’ve been wanting to hear from you. But you never say it. I love you anyway.
I wait for two things. Tell me your ready and then ask me back. Or tell me you love someone else and I’ll leave you instantly.

It seems you still do not really know what you want at all. And you’re so unsure of me that you test me sometimes. Isn’t it I who is supposed to test the strength and sincerity of your word? Am I the one to prove something to you? Am I supposed to be the one chasing you? You’re not sure about me, but I love you anyway.
I am perfectly sure what I feel for you. I am perfectly sure what I can give you. But I know you’re not complete. I know a lot of things are running in your mind. Deal with it. And if life treats you well and you find someone else, go on.

Your feelings may fade away in time. You might just walk out on me someday. But I love you anyway.
Nothing is certain, as I told you. I know with the girls you meet, its not impossible that you’ll find someone to love. I know you’re a good person. When that day comes, I’ll be the happiest. Good luck!

JOURNAL:
A personal record of occurrences, experiences, and reflections kept on a regular basis; a diary.
A daily written record of (usually personal) experiences and observations

I want this journal to be my outlet…I know I’m burdening my friends with my problems. I know what they feel. Well I feel that too. Sometimes, when you get to talk too much about love problems you can't help but feel what the other person is feeling. And no matter what you tell them, there's not enough words to make them or me better. At times, I just wana have someone to listen to my whiny little ass. And this is what you're hear for...to listen to my rants, whining and non-sense outbursts about life, love and career.

A lot of things have been happening in my life now and everyday, every minute is worth remembering. I want to have a record of my life. So that when I’m old, when I have children, I have something to look back to. I have this…

And so that when my children are faced with the same problems, they have something to refer to. I’m not perfect. I don’t have a perfect life. I make mistakes like most of us do…and sometimes, I commit these mistakes over and over, until I hit rock bottom…(Stubborn beeotch! Hahaha…What can I do? I’m just human. And despite having a willing mind, my body is weak…You long for temporary pleasure to get by the moment.)… Whether I made or will be making wrong decisions, the consequences of these decisions will be reflected in my life…and I have to live with it. Accept it and take responsibility for it.

My life is my message and here goes the story of my life…