The Story of my Life

I was going through my past posts and found this as draft. Never had the chance to publish it. I think it's worth posting. Sayang naman ang effort ko. hehehe. Wrote this sometime in 2005, a few months after my last "real" relationship. Medyo sad but uplifting for me. Read on...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When I read the review of Before Sunset, I was thrilled that I knew this movie will be comparable to the Notebook. Their thoughts about relationships were right. It's heartwarming to see two individuals, who felt strongly for each other, get back together after several years (was it 9 years?) of being apart. Somehow, you become hopeful of broken relationships. It would be nice to get back with the one you've always loved, the one you believe you're meant for. But, only and only if, there are no complications. Okay enough of this. Am not a here to critique the film.

I only want to share my thoughts on a particular part of the movie...

The conversation in the van is reminiscent of my past. When Celine (Julie Delpy) uttered her frustrations to Jesse (Ethan Hawke) why her ex-boyfriends get into serious relationships after breaking-up with her and how they turnout to be good partners when during her time, they were cruel, rude, lousy, ill-mannered, boring, selfish, immature (hehehe...okay. she didn't really mentioned those...inexaggerate ko lang, to fit me sentiments. =)

Yes, we have the same frustrations. After watching the film, it occurred to me that most of my exes, if not married, are in a serious relationship...and they found their true love right after me. So I asked a friend, is something wrong with me? Is this my curse? Why do I have to meet them at that bad part of their lives...why didn't I meet the grown-up man they all turned out to be?

Here goes the drama queen...

While at that thought, there was a tiny part in me that's envious of the women they ended up with. Not that I'd still want to be with these men. But because they didn't get hurt as much as I did while loving them. Because when she met him, he already knew the real meaning of LOVE.

After each relationship, they leave me shattered. Depressed. Lost. Hurt. I ask questions, I find meaning and reason in everything that happened. I rationalize things. I pick-up the pieces and move on. I forgive. Each person who walks out of my life teaches me something. I'm like a puzzle with a few missing pieces. Each person holds that missing piece and when he walks out, he leaves it but not in the spot where it should belong. They leave me to figure out its right spot. Then I begin to appreciate the figure that was completed by that missing piece.

It's a long and tiring process, particularly if you've been in and out of 7 relationships. But most of them, if not all, left me with something worth remembering. It made me the person that I am now. Less susceptible to superficial love. I realized, I was loving them too much for them to handle, too much that leaves me with nothing for myself. I make them my life. I compromise my values. I compromise my beliefs. I compromise too much. The more you give, the more receptive you are to pain.

At one point, I regret having met these people. I regret the decisions I made hastily. But seeing the puzzle complete made me appreciate the pain and sacrifices I had to suffer. The questions are few and the bouts with Misery-the-Bitch happens every so often (actually only as PMS). Life is better.