The Story of my Life

This one is too good to pass up. I've forwarded copies of this to as many people as I can and I'm posting it here hoping to touch more people.

May it move you to cause change even in the simplest way you know possible. Not every one of us has such radical minds or resources to effect change, but there are some things we can do. So, when you cast your vote please make sure to elect the spirit that will beat the tracks.

My hat's off to you Mikaela Fudolig for your courage and wisdom far better than most of us.

TAKE NOT THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED
by Mikaela Irene Fudolig
BS Physics, Summa Cum Laude
Speech at the Commencement Exercise, UPD
22 April 2007

One of the things that strike me as being very "UP Diliman" is the way UPD students can't seem to stay on the pavement. From every street corner that bounds an unpaved piece of land, one will espy a narrow trail that puts the corner, or leads from it. Every lawn around the buildings sports at least one of these paths, starting
from a point nearest to the IKOT stop and ending at the nearest entry to the building. The trails are beaten on the grass by many pairs of feet wanting to save a fraction of a meter of traveling, no matter that doing so will exact some cost to the shoes, or, to the ubiquitous slippers, especially when the trails are new.

What do these paths say about us, UP students?

One could say that the UP student is enamored with Mathematics and Pythagoras, hence these triangles formed by the pavement and the path. Many among you would disagree.

Others could say that the UP student is naturally countercultural. And the refusal to use the pavement is just one of the myriads of ways to show his defiance of the order of things. This time, many would agree.

Still, others will say that the UP student is the model of today's youth: they want everything easier, faster, now. The walkable paths appeal to them because they get to their destination faster, and presumably, with less effort. Now that is only partly true, and totally unfair.

These trails weren't always walkable. No doubt they started as patches of grass, perhaps overgrown. Those who first walked them must have soiled their shoes, stubbed their toes, or had insects biting their legs, all in the immovable belief that the nearest distance between two points is a straight line. They might even have seen snakes cross their paths. But the soiled footwear, sore toes, and itchy legs started to conquer the grass. Other people, seeing the yet faint trail, followed. And as more and more walked the path, the grass gave in and stopped growing altogether, making the path more and more visible, more and more walkable.

The persistence of the paths pays tribute to those UP students who walked them first - the pioneers of the unbeaten tracks: the defiant and curious few who refuse the familiar and comfortable; the out-of-the-box thinkers who solve problems instead of fretting about them; the brave who dare do things differently, and open new opportunities to those who follow.

They say how one behaved in the past would determine how he behaves in the future. And as we leave the University, temporarily or for good, let us call on the pioneering, defiant, and brave spirit that built the paths to guide us in this next phase of our life.

We have been warned time and again. Our new world that they call "adulthood" is one that's full of compromises, where success is determined more by the ability to belong than by the ability to think, where it is much easier to do as everyone else does. Daily we are bombarded with so much news of despair about the state of our nation, and the apparent, perverse sense of satisfaction our politicians get from vilifying our state of affairs. It is fashionable to migrate to other countries to work in deceptively high-paying jobs like nursing and teaching, forgetting that even at their favored work destinations, nurses and teachers are some of the lowest paid professionals. The lure of high and immediate monetary benefits in some low-end outsourcing jobs has drawn even some of the brightest UP students away from both industry and university teaching to which they would have been better suited.

Like the sidewalks and pavement, these paths are the easiest to take.

But, like the sidewalks and pavement, these paths take longer to traverse, just as individual successes do not always make for national progress. The unceasing critic could get elected, but not get the job done. The immigrant could get his visa, but disappear from our brainpower pool. The highly paid employee would be
underutilized for his skills, and pine to get the job he truly wants, but is now out of his reach. And the country, and we, are poorer because of these.

Today, the nation needs brave, defiant pioneers to reverse our nation's slide to despair. Today, we must call upon the spirit that beat the tracks. Today, we must present an alternative way of doing things.

Do NOT just take courage, for courage is not enough. Instead, be BRAVE! It will take bravery to go against popular wisdom, against the clichéd expectations of family and friends. It will take bravery to gamble your future by staying in the country and try to make a prosperous life here. It might help if for a start, we try to see why our Korean friends are flocking to our country. Why, as many of us line up for immigrant visas in various embassies, they get themselves naturalized and settle here. Do they know something we don't?

Do NOT just be strong in your convictions, for strength is not enough. Instead, DEFY the pressure to lead a comfortable, but middling life. Let us lead this country from the despair of mediocrity. Let us not seek to do well, but strive to EXCEL in everything that we do. This, so others will see us as a nation of brains of the highest quality, not just of brawn that could be had for cheap.

Take NOT the road less traveled. Rather, MAKE new roads, BLAZE new trails, FIND new routes to your dreams. Unlike the track-beaters in campus who see where they're going, we may not know how far we can
go. But if we are brave, defiant searchers of excellence, we will go far. Explore possibilities, that others may get a similar chance. I have tried it myself. And I'm speaking to you now.

But talk is cheap, they say. And so I put my money where my mouth is. Today, I place myself in the service of the University, if it will have me. I would like to teach, to share knowledge, and perhaps to be an example to new UP students in thinking and striving beyond the limits of the possible. This may only be a small disturbance in the grass. But I hope you'll come with me, and trample a new path.

Good evening, everyone.

Every morning, I make it a point to leave the house before 7am to avoid heavy traffic along EDSA. During this time, the drive from my house to Ortigas is a breeze. I would encounter slight traffic in Cubao but it's smooth sailing the rest of the way. This particular morning, at 10 minutes before 7am, traffic was moving slowly 100 meters from the foot of Quezon Avenue flyover. At 10 before 7am, there's already a long queue of cars on EDSA. My usual 20 minutes drive became 45 minutes.

There were no accidents, no stalled vehicle, no road under repair...just a long convoy of cars carrying banners of some Patrylist running for office. They were motor-cading along EDSA...during rush hour, on a work day. How can these people be so inconsiderate? I would understand a motorcade on EDSA, but come on when everybody is rushing to work. Duh?!

What's more irritating is that it was a looonnnggg convoy. I drove side by side with them from Quezon Ave. up until Ortigas flyover. And just when I thought I was moving with the lead, I heard on the radio that he/she also saw the convoy at Magallanes. The kicker of them all is that when I was in Quezon Ave, I also saw the convoy running on the opposite direction. What do these people want to prove?

Question, are campaign vehicles exempted from Color Coding? Because I thought I saw two cars in that convoy who aren't supposed to be on the road today. I had to check my memory. 1-2 off the road on Mondays, therefore 3-4 off the road on Tuesdays.

I hope they don't get voted in.

Things you should know about me...

1. I’m a cry-baby.
2. I love stars and moon.
3. I love full or crescent moon.
4. I’m addicted to Badminton
5. I'm most comfortable when I’m wearing shorts, plain shirt and flipflops.
6. I’m a shopaholic.
7. Being late is a major turn off for me.
8. I love my coffee black (with sugar). Latte is my second pick.
9. When I travel, I don’t fail to bring along Cams (Canon Ixus) and Sabrina (Ipod Nano) – they’re my travel companions.
10. I hate waiting.
11. I'm friendly.
12. I hate being shouted at.
13. I love my mom. I never stopped loving her.
14. I’m super malambing to the point that some guys misinterpret it as flirting.
15. I can be a brat.
16. I love to travel.
17. Bora is my summer getaway.
18. No time for bullshit. I’d rather that you be straightforward.
19. I dislike pretentious people.
20. Dirty nails are a turn off.
21. I love Kurant.
22. I could eat pizza and pasta the whole day and not get tired of it.
23. I can cook Nilagang Baka, Sinigang, Kaldereta, Pesto, Spaghetti and Carbonara.
24. My brother loves my Spaghetti and I love that he loves it. :-)
25. I have low pain threshold.
26. I cry every time I watch If Only and A Walk to Remember.
27. In my entire life, I’ve only cheated once (to my partner that is).
28. I’m a runaway bride.
29. When I miss my dad, I hug him so tight and stay beside him for most of the day.
30. I enjoyed watching Wowowee when I was in the hospital. The things you enjoy when you're bored.
31. I’m a procrastinator.
32. I always want my glass full.
33. I have 15 pairs of shoes, but I only get to use 4.
34. I’ve only been out of the country once…I’m going out again this October (to Bangkok).
35. I have three bestfriends…but Michelle has been more in touch than the other two.
36. I’m a gym buff.
37. I’m saddened by the fact that my brother’s getting married and moving out of the house.
38. I’m touchy.
39. I like hugging people, it’s my way of showing my love for them love.
40. A man in a slightly fitted polo, jeans and leather shoes appeals to me. :-)
41. I want my man to always smell good.
42. I’m moody and overly sensitive.
43. I love tulips and carnation.
44. I'd prefer dry over wet season.
45. I like Go Nuts better than Krispy Kreme.
46. I’m currently watching Prison Break, Heroes, Grey’s Anatomy and Ugly Betty.
47. I think I will be a strict mom.
48. I’m very protective of my friends.
49. I think my life's mission is to listen to my friends who are broken-hearted.
50. I'm scared of looking out the window at night.
51. I love surprises as much as I love surprising people.
52. I always look forward to my birthday because it's my day. I enjoy the perks I get because it's my birthday.
53. I get hyperacidic with soda.
54. I hardly eat pork.
55. I love the beach.
56. My idea of a beautiful day is hanging out at the beach, feeling the warmth of the sun while savoring a delectable fruitshake.
57. Kare-kare is irresistible.
58. I don't have a credit card. Yiheee!!!!
59. I took my MBA in 2002, but I haven't taken my OCE which is the only requirement I need to graduate.
60. I have a crush...But I won't tell who it is. =P
61. I've been single for almost two years and I'm getting used to it. hahaha
62. I'm a couch potato.
63. I want to stop smoking.
64. I miss my mom.
65. My dream local getaway is Amanpulo.
66. I'm not the type who runs after a lost love.
67. If you don't like me, I don't like you either.
68. Give me a jigsaw puzzle and I'll finish it in less than a week.
69. I listen to James Ingram, Barry Manilow and Air Supply when I was young.
70. I think it sucks that women can't go after who they really like.
71. I value respect.
72. I'm so afraid of hurting/disappointing the people who love me.
73. Because I'm used to being single, I tend to drive my suitors away.
74. I'm a cynic, which sometimes affects my judgement of what is real and otherwise.
75. I am friends with my exes. Is that bad?
76. I believe that HE has one big plan for us and that things happen for a reason.
77. I love Paulo Coelho. His books enrich my soul.
78. I love singing for HIM.
79. I've always wanted to go on vacation alone. But I still haven't found that perfect place to go to. I think all of us owe it to ourselves to have that time alone.
80. I love my Kenzo perfume.
81. I'm very trusting to my friends.
82. I can't eat and read at the same time.
83. I wanted to become a flight attended but they said I am short by 3 inches. hehehe
84. I don't think I will ever have the abs I want no matter how hard I try.
85. I love my family.
86. I'm OC when it comes to my clothes.
87. I despise people who doubt my character.
88. My childhood friends (mostly boys) treat me as one of the boys. But when I introduced my boyfriend to them, they become very protective. Threatening to hurt the guy if he cheats on me.
89. I used to down 7 bottles in one night and go home as if nothing happened. If I do that now, I won't be able to make it home safe.
90. I want to start diving but I'm constraint financially.
91. Happiness is a state of mind.
92. I give my 100% to the one I love.
93. Depression is my PMS.
94. I can't drink without smoking.
95. I think Spiderman 3 is funny.
96. I mean what I say.
97. I'm easy to please.
98. I laugh at the silliest jokes.
99. When I say I will be there, I will be there.
100. I'm all these and a lot more.

Right now I'm nauseous, groggy, I have a congested nasal and I'm taking two different types of medicine for some weird illness that I don't freaking know where I got.

God send me relief.

Pain and sorrow go hand in hand with true love.
For love is never ideal but real.
So don't even wonder what heartaches are for...

Remember City of Angels?

"When it hurts, its real."

As some of you know, I sold Kit October of last year. It was difficult parting with him as he has been with us for more than a decade already. He was our first. My brother was even teary-eyed when he was taken. He took several shots of him before he left which I've kept with Cams ever since. *sigh*

I've been commuting since then. Taking the train, cab or FX, depending on my mood (and budget). I've had frustrating rides with the MRT, and at some point I cursed it. But it has proven to be the fastest and cheapest way to work and so when I'm in a rush (and low in budget), I still take the train. A good 8-hour sleep is a precondition when riding the train. Otherwise, you'll be thrown out of the platform or suffer from dead toes the rest of your life.

Without a ride, my gimmicks have been limited and I've become more dependent on my friends who have cars...which makes me very uncomfortable. I don't like asking favors from them to pick me up or bring me home and even if they offer, it still makes uncomfortable. Not because of pride, but because I know that I live far from them and I don't want to hassle them by driving me home. So when I'm not riding with anyone of them, I take the cab...even in the wee hours of the morning, even when I'm drunk--not a very safe thing to do in Metro Manila.

When my brother's not using his car I get to use it, which only happens when the car is off the road (Mondays). That's already a lot of help as I usually bring my week's gym stuff on Mondays and its hard commuting with a big bag like that. But he's planning to get married soon and move out immediately after. Hence, a carless household.

And so I acquired Krugger. He's quite old but he looks a lot younger for his age. There are some repairs needed but they are very minor. He's okay from my point of view and so I believe...it's going to be a smooth ride from now on.

I finally managed to change my template. I've used that old template ever since I started blogging and I've grown really tired of it. I've always wanted a new look, but I have no idea how to work around it. But today, for lack of urgent and important things to do, I did it!

I got bitten. Yes, you read it right. I got bitten by some dirty mosquito which caused me a week in St. Luke's.

I was in Manila the entire Holy Week. Went out a couple of times for coffee and badminton. But for the most part, I was just at home watching my DVDs and binging on whatever I can grab from the fridge. It was a quiet weekend, uneventful and reflective. On Sunday, I heard mass and went straight back to my DVDs. But at around 10pm, I began to chill and my head began throbbing. My temperature was 39.

As a child, I was never sickly. My illnesses vary from colds and cough and mild fever, nothing serious that required confinement. So now that I'm all grown up, I've always wondered how it felt to be "really" sick; to have doctors monitoring you on a daily basis. It's true what they say, be careful what you wish for. :-)

Because I wasn't sickly, I thought that the fever would be gone in the morning. But that morning is probably the weakest morning I've had in my entire existence...Okay, let's exclude the times I was hung over (they don't count)...I woke up all sweaty but still with high fever. So I told myself, this is official. I am sick and unfit to work.

I played doctor and shifted from Biogesic and Advil, hoping to relieve my headached and fever. No change. With the advise o f Dr. Pia Cruz (thanks to you Pia! You are my angel.), I decided to bring myself to the ER. After some lab tests, they discharged me on account of UTI. Gave me some antibiotics to treat the infection. As soon as I got back, I noticed I had rashes in my forearm. I ignored it thinking that i might disapper the next day.

Come next day, my fever was at 39.5. I was beginning to wonder whether it was the antibiotics kicking in or there's more infection going on inside. More importantly, I was worried about the 1520 white blood cell count in my CBC. The normal range is 4800-10000 and mine was far from normal. At 6pm, there was no sign of progress. My fever was still at 39.5 and my rashes have settled in quickly.

I went back to ER looking more groggy. The second CBC showed my platelet dropped from 175,000 to 100,000, just a day after my first visit. My fever was up to 39.9, the highest of them all. They had to confine me on account of suspected dengue. A day after, my attending physician informed me that I have, indeed, an infection and that the platelet drop may be caused by dengue.

The sound of dengue cause my mind to panic. I was never the type to text friends to pray for myself. But this one is rather serious and I believed I need all the prayers I can get. I wasn't ready for a serious illness like this. I only wanted to have a "feel" of the hospital bed, enough to make me enjoy it. hehehe

I've heard a lot of horror stories about dengue. A lot of my cousin had it when they were younger and they all required blood transfusion. The thought of someone else's blood being transferred to me scares me. What if he was sick or infected? What if my body rejects the blood? Gggaaahhh...Torture. Will I bleed as other dengue patients? Horror!

And because my platelet was dropping, they had to take blood sample from me every 4 hours. The lowest on account is 28,000. The nurses advised me to drink lots of water as it would help increase it. So one night, as I was trying to sleep, I told myself..."Water pala ha. Maghanda kayo bukas. Lulunurin ko kayo sa water." I was losing my sanity. My prayer was "Lord, tama na po. Na-experience ko na po pano ma-ospital. Okay na ko."

The next day, my temperature improved but the platelet was neither going down nor up. I was on stand-by. Watchful for bleeding episodes. Luckily there was none. Last Saturday, platelet count started going up. Hurrah! There's progress. One more day and I was out.

Back in the real world. As I told my friends, ang pagbabalik. Parang walang nangyari, except that I lost weight. hehehehe...music to my ears.

I'm well, but not 101%. Thanks for all those who prayed.

Heeeelllloooo!!!! I know it's been more than a month since my last "serious" post. I've been so busy with work during the last quarter of 2006...I've also been busy attending Christmas parties with different sets of friends. I posted all photos in my multiply so if you have time, go check it out http://cafanlo.multiply.com.

I know I have a lot of updating to do but first let me write down my 2007 resolution:
(1) I'd go back to hearing mass every Sunday. Last year, I could count the number of times I went to church. Most of the time, I was sleeping or recuperating from a night of partying. I promise to change that and I promise to be more prayerful this time around.

(2) I'll be nicer to people...particularly to those from our Travel section. I think, out of all the travel agents I dealt with, I was only able to keep my cool with just one person.

(3) I'll be more proactive at work....because my bosses said so. hehehe...But I think they're right. It's the only way I wouldn't get bored with my work...and I'd be promoted fast if I knew more about what I do.

(4) I'd dress nicer...I'll be less lousy this year and I'll give more effort to looking good. I'll keep up with my workout to be fit and healthy. I'll also invest in work clothes so I'd be more respectable at work. Naaakkksss!

(5) I'll smoke less. Thanks to a stronger Winstons Lights, now I've shifted to Marlboro Menthol. I'll try not to smoke at work and limit my smoking only on night outs...well I hope I won't be going out everyday. hehehe

(6) I'll do more household chores. During my Christmas break, we had our kitchen renovated. Also during those times I was in-charge of the kitchen. I was doing a lot of cooking then and I'm enjoying it. I feel like I have a talent in cooking, so I think I will do that more often.

(7) I'll finish my paper....ggggrrrr...though I know I'm half-hearted in saying that, I will really try to finish it. I should, otherwise, I will have to take a refresher to be eligible for OCE. Gah!

So, that's basically it for me. I'll post more updates in the next few days.

I want this for Christmas...

Got this from Diosa...

Mout Ironic, tremendous internal wealth, know how to rapidly connect with others, looks for paternal authority. Colors: male: brown, female: red carmine Compatible Signs: Amon-Ra, Thoth Dates: Jan 22 - Jan 31, Sep 8 - Sep 22 Role: A creator goddess, she was the mother from which the cosmos emerged. Appearance: A woman with the wings of a vulture, holding an ankh, wearing the united crown of Upper and Lower Egypt and also a dress of bright red/blue, with the feather of Maഠat her feet Sacred Animal: vulture What is Your Egyptian Zodiac Sign? Designed by CyberWarlock of Warlock's Quizzles and Quandaries

Knock...knock...knock...

Just checkin' in. I know its been a couple of months since my last post and I was beginning to worry that my blog won't recognize me. So despite the absence of a good post, I logged in. Just want to say hi to everyone. I promise I'll be back with news of what's been happening.

That's it for now...

And oh, I don't f*cking know what happened to my tag board. All the messages disappeared and everytime I check my site, a window pops up asking for a username and password. So hear me know, and help me with it...I also want to change my template into something more funky and little less dramatic, so if you guys have time why don't you help me. ;-)

I am so loving Grey's Anatomy. I just finished watching the first season and if it weren't for the hassle of rush-hour-commuting, I would have stayed up an hour longer just to get the second season starting . I need to finish the second season tonight as the third season's first episode will air tomorrow.

Watching Grey's Anatomy made me wonder, why the hell did I never want to be a doctor? First off, I am not a great fan of Science. Never was and never will be. I don't even know the difference between a bacteria and a virus. And of course, there's that difficulty in memorizing scientific names. In short, I don't have what it takes to be a doctor.

Anyway, here's my favorite quote from GA:

Meredith Grey: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

I had two groups of friends in high school. One with whom I spent my freshman and sophomore years with and another one whom I've shared the last two years. Of the the two, the first group is the one I hardly ever see. Since we graduated from high school, I could count with one hand the number of times I've seen them and last week was one of those few occasions.

The dinner was set as Pasto, Fort. Yuma and I decided to go there together. She picked me up from work by cab. But we had to take another cab from Mega to Fort as the driver didn't want to face the traffic along EDSA. After queuing for almost 30 minutes at the Taxi lane along Megastrip, we decided to take matters into our own hands. We sought for rescue.

"Hi Ruth. San ka na?"
"Hi Claire, sa bahay pa."
"Nag-didinner ka na ba? Hindi ka ba pupunta sa dinner?"
"Hindi ko kasi alam pano pumunta dun eh." <---Lame! Lame! Lame! "So hindi ka na pupunta?!?!" "Aaahhhhmmm..." "Pwede ka naman naming turuan kung gusto mo. Or pwede ring magtanong sa mga marunong pumunta dun? Ano sa tingin mo?" "Hehehehe...sige." "Actually, ang isa pang rason kung bakit kami tumawag ay para sabihing, pwede mo ba kaming daanan sa Megamall? Ang haba ng pila sa taxi eh. hehehe"

Ruth decided to go and getch us. So while waiting for her, Yuma and I decided to take our dinner. Yuma talked about her detective skills and the action plan she did to prove that her boyfriend was cheating on her. She also told stories about the guy she's currently dating. Yuma is a self-proclaimed jologs and this guy she's currently dating is the complete opposite. Parati daw syang nosebleed pag kasama at kausap itong guy na to. One time, she said, the guy invited her to go out...

"Ang lakas na ng ulan dito, baka lumakas din ulan dyan. Umalis ka na kaya diyan. Now na."
"Wait wait...slow down. I don't understand what your saying. What did you just say?"
"I said, I think you should take a bath now."
(Very accurate translation huh.)

And we both burst with laughter. We owned Sbarro that night. Took no regard about the people around us. We laughed till our stomach ached. The surprising thing is, they're still dating and Yuma is just waiting for the guy to be disgusted. :-)

It was good meeting up with them again. It brought good memories of our teenage years. The story of Morgue's I-saw-birds-and-stars-episode. Yuma's famous lines --Don't be judgenamental! and Kayo ang backout singers ko ah. Cherry's swave maniac moves. And Leslie's and Ruth's volleyball skills.

Change is inevitable, as they say. It is the only constant thing in this world. 11 years did a lot to us. It's just comforting to know that the good things remained as good as they were, even better.
Ruth haven't lost her warmth. Leslie is still Ms. Prim and Proper. Cherry remains the female counter part of "Maginoo pero medyo bastos". Morgue is still Daddy's girl. Yuma haven't lost her sense of humor, she could give Rufa Mae a run for her money...and me, they think I am still the Manang Claire they know.

The night, though short, was a good one. I hope this will be the start of a more regular get together.

My hormones are acting up and my mood swings have gone from bad to worse...

Bad day.

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Because my birthday is fast approaching, I've listed gifts I want for my birthday. A friend of mine said you have to list down what you want in a partner, pray hard for it and believe that it will be given to you, in His perfedt time. So I thought, maybe if I listed what I want for my birthday, it will also be given to me (whoever from my friends are reading this...AVOID THE RUSH, SHOP NOW!).

After listing down the items, I grouped it according to the degree of likeness or desire I have for each of them.

Things I really want but couldn't afford it even after a hundred years
1. A brand new car. I want to get Ford Escape.
2. A townhouse at Enclave. A friend of mine lives there. It doesn't have a big compound but the floor area of each unit is just right. Good enough for a family of four. :-)

Things I NEED but couldn't afford it NOW
1. I need a bag where I can put all my stuff when I play badminton, Yonex Thermal badminton bag is perfect for that! I have having to carry my office bag and racket in one shoulder and my sports bag (where my shoes and clothes are) on the other.
2. Perhaps my smashes and drops will improve with the use of a new Yonex Muscle Power badminton racket. :-D
3. I trip in Taraflex cour with my Air Max rubbershoes so a new Mizuno badminton shoes will be perfect!
4. I feel guilty not being able to offer any shuttlecock when I play. I would love to share my blessings to others...bring in a tube of RSL shuttlecock.
5. I'm not always sweaty you know. I also try to look good so I would need a MAC Studio Fix Foundation (NW30).
6. Dry-fit shirt
7. Sports shorts
8. I need to finish my OCE and a new 13" MacBook will get me going.
9. I love Cams (IXUS60). I don't want to see scratches around her. I need a house for her.

Things I want for fashion's sake
1. Havaianas High (Black) size 34-35 or 35-36 please.
2. Brown-Gold Hava
3. Bermuda shorts
4. Charriol ring
5. Lacoste white backpack
6. Body show blusher
7. Denim jacket
8. White sports jacket
9. iPod Nano armband
10. Technomarine watch (Butterfly Pave)

Things I want to pass time with
1. Tribute to APO CD
2. Angel's Fall by Nora Roberts

I was admitted at St. Lukes the other day after the doctors suspected I have an inflammed appendix. He ordered I undergo a series of tests before he recommends surgery.

Thank God, all tests ruled out appendicitis. But the pelvic ultrasound found something else. I have a 2.6cm cyst in my right ovary which ruptured the night I experienced pain. My ob-gyne was not alarmed with the result so I knew it was not serious. She said no surgery is required for my case unless I wanted to. Of course, who in her right mind, would want to go under knife?

I looked it up from the ever-reliable www.wikipedia.org and found out that if the cyst persist beyond two or three cycles, it could be more serious. I'm going to see her again next week and I'm hoping there'd be progress. For now, the red alert can be turned off.

Anyway, on a more lighter note I have a new word to use...

Doc: How are you?
Me: Better doc.
(and went on to do his routine examination.)
Doc: Have you passed a flatus?
Me: Huh?!
Doc: Umutot ka na ba? Fart?
Me: Opo. (I wanted to say, that's my hobby doc. Don't you know my friends and I are the Fart girls?) hehehe

Met with my college friends last Saturday and played our own version of scategories after dinner.

Have a look at Sonia's winning entries:

Letter: Y
Category: Electronic Device
Answer: Youghart Maker

Letter: Y
Category: Baby things
Answer: Yaya's bag

Letter: T
Category: Things you see in the classroom
Answer: Teacher

Letter: I
Category: Things you see in the bathroom
Answer: Ihi

Kawawang Sean.

I promised myself before that every year, I should be able to go to a new place, one that I have'nt been to before. Thanks to Cebu Pacific's P1.00 per seat sale, I had the chance to go to Bohol. So on Aug 9-12, off went Ching, Jerome and I to the beautiful city of Tagbilaran.

Bohol is the home for the smallest monkey in the world, the 1,688 Chocolate Hills, and now it is also the home of the largest python snake in captivity, 23 feet (and growing).

My friends said I have n0t been to Bohol if I don't have a picture with the famous Tarsier. And here it is ...

We also met Prony, the Python. He was named after his captor, Supronio. They must have spent so much precious time thinking of what to name him. Marimar, the care-taker, entertained us with her wit and charm (he's gay). Prony is 23 feet long and 200kgs heavy. That's about 4x my weight and almost 5x my height. He could, literally, swallow me whole.


The last stop of our day tour around the City of Tagbilaran is the Chocolate Hills. The weather was nice to us, though it was drizzling every now and then. To see the magnificent of the Chocolate hills, you have to climb 214 steps. 30 steps after, I was already catching my breath. I guess I'll have forget about mountain climbing, I could never make it. Thank the High Heavens, I made it to the top.

I wonder where my next trip will be...hhhmmm...Palawan sounds like a good idea.

A couple of months ago, I participated in a Volleyball tournament here in ADB. Also in the same month, I joined the Badminton Tournament organized by ADB Badminton Club as a send-off for members who were retiring. I lost in both events. It didn't matter much because I was in it for fun and experience. I'm not the competitive type, so winning or losing is not at all a big deal.

I joined another badminton tournament a couple of weeks ago and to my surprise, my partner and I won the championship title. You can't imagine how ecstatic I am because this is the first I've received a medal in my entire life. =P

THE FOLLOWING IMAGES CANNOT BE VIEWED BY MINORS. PARENTAL GUIDANCE IS REQUIRED.

We had our traditional shower party for the bride-to-be last Friday held at Butch and Kris' humber abode in Quezon City. We feasted on Beef Stew, Roasted Chicken, Kare-Kare (my favorite!), and Calamares, the star for the night. Of course, Kris served the luscious chocolate cake from Quiapo as dessert. Sarap!

The marrying spell that struck my college barkada will officially expire on 30 July. Meryl, the last in the roster of marrying Tsinays, will finally tie the knot next week with lawyer-boyfriend, Kirk. The big question is, who will be the next to join the bandwagon? Arle, Ge, Aileen or me? Place your bets now.

A good friend of mine sent me this as a reply to my forwarded e-mail. I am a scarred girl, if you haven't noticed, and every word that was spoken here have been in my thoughts for the past several years. Just thought I'd share it with you...

SCARRED PEOPLE ARE BEAUTIFUL
by Rev. Charles Cooke

Man Speaks:
I've seen a number of good movies, Lord.
Like Romeo and Juliet
They love of young people, at least in this movie, is beautiful
So simple, so total, so uncomplicated!

They seem so natural
So free in their emotions
Unrestrained in their actions.

I wish I could be like that, Lord
But I can't be!
Why is it so?
I've been hurt, Lord!
I have trusted and been betrayed many times.
I have loved and received nothing in return.
I have tried hard to care and failed often.
I have shared my secrets and heard them whispered to others.
I have been warm and received a cold shoulder.
I've been through it, Lord!
I have fallen on my face.
I have banged my shins.
I've been bruised!
Look, Lord! I'm all covered with scars!

The Lord speaks:
Maybe you have not yet understood enough!
Maybe you still haven't learned that human life is like that.
All saints are scarred.

Young love isn't the highest form of human love.
The highest love comes from scarred people.
I know many people who stop loving so they won't be hurt again.
But those people who do start over again, who continue despite of all,
who leave themselves open to the possibility of hurt again.
These people are able to love in a gentle way...a more understanding way...a richer way.

Many responds:
I think I know what you mean, Lord.
I've met people like that and knowing them gives me great courage.
The greatest people are those who continue to love with all their scars.
I like scarred people, Lord. They are beautiful.

1. I ought to be reviewing my paper in preparation for my OCE but my mind is somewhere else so I guess, I will have to postpone that in the hope that tomorrow I will get my mind back on track.

2. Yes, I'm taking my OCE. After being out of school for a year, I have finally decided to knock my head off. The OCE talk has become a nuisance, primarily because I have run out of excuses why I haven't taken mine. I also had a chance encounter with my Professor two weeks ago and when he asked me why I haven't finished it, I couldn't come up with a valid excuse. Plus, when I tried to access my online student account, I have been listed as INACTIVE. Gggrrr...

3. I have just finished reading The Kite Runner, a novel by Khaled Hosseini. I have originally bought this book as a going-away present for my ex-boss and have no intention of getting a copy for myself, but after hearing the bookstore manager's review, I had goose bumps and I knew right away that I should get one. The next day, I went back to Ink and Stone and grabbed one for myself. It's a story about hope and forgiveness between father and sons, and friends. Highly recommended.

4. After reading The Kite Runner, I'm now into a lighter novel - Confessions of a Shopaholic. And thanks to this book, I think I will postpone getting a visa for another year, or maybe until I learn to manage my finances well (read as: NEVER).

5. God is Good. The other day my wallet only had a 20-peso bill for a resident and my gas tank is pumping its last breath. I was so worried how I could make it to work the next day given all these impediments. Even if I decided to take the train, I can only afford a one-way ticket. What if I walk from Ortigas to Pag-Asa? It's been a stormy week; I don't think I'll make it alive at home. Or I could take a leave, sick leave, emergency leave? How pathetic. God must have felt my desperation, because that night I got money more than enough to fill my tank. Thank you. Thank you.

This is the last photo I have of her (taken two weeks before her...)

I had my much anticipated date with Superman last Friday, and I must say I am still enamored by Brandon Routh's pretty face. His face is annoyingly perfect and you couldn't help but admire it every time the camera zooms in. I never did enjoy watching Superman (nor StarWars) probably because I was too young to appreciate it back then or simply because I'm not into movies then. I have probably seen one ore two films but not a single one stuck on my mind. The only vivid memory I have of him was Christopher Reeve wearing those ridiculous red trunks over blue tights. But seeing Brandon Routh in that suit gave Superman a whole new image to me. =P

The movie capitalized on the things that made Superman a big hit in the past years; well at least that's what I heard from Paolo and Monpete, my Superman-fanatic friends (when I say fanatic I mean they've read or watched all Superman article, comics, magazine, and movie, and they know every little thing about Superman). The movie was a good combination of digital effects, great talent, and classic stunts. As soon as you hear the famous Superman soundtrack it will make your heart pound in excitement. Monpete was literally shaking at the height of Superman's action. He almost forgot to breathe...hahahaha. Paolo, on the other hand, couldn't take the smile off his face when we got out of the movie house.

Don't get me wrong, but I think there's nothing in the film that we haven't seen or expected from the man of steel. The film simply magnified the innate powers of Superman, what marveled me were the brilliant use of digital effects. The way they moved him around space was flawless. Some scenes were hilarious but it all makes sense if you think about it. Another thing I find rather amusing is the scene where I saw his trademark curly bangs untouched after saving the world. I mean, hello, wala bang hangin sa labas? Flying in and out of space, and moving faster than a speeding bullet could mess up your hair big time. Hehehehe...and oh, there is a twist at the latter part of the movie and the events that unfolded it were kinda amusing too. =)

I'm so pleased with the movie and I guess, it was worth everything we went through that night...the long queue at the ticket counter, the two hours waiting time (we were there at 9pm but the tickets we got were for the 11:20 screening), expensive movie ticket, traffic jam in Araneta (it was Bench Fever night and all parking areas were full), and the sore feet I had when I got home. It was a great movie, though I wish I had seen it in IMax. Hats off to the Director and to the Cast.

Whenever I'd come across that line before, I was so sure no one from my past would qualify. But a lot has changed in four years and I'm saying goodbye to my Mr. Close Enough.

2002 was probably the worst year of my life. I lost my mom, my job and got involved with an absolute cheater. I was drowning myself of depression. It was a year-long struggle, probably longer. I couldn't wait for it to end so when I saw an opportunity, I grabbed it. A former boyfriend proposed marriage. He was my friend of seven years and my mom loved him. I believed it was the only right thing happening in my life. I accepted it thinking that, somehow, things will be better. Indeed, things started looking up. I felt stronger and I had more zest for life. But one day I woke up and realized I wasn't ready to get married. I was just starting to live my life the way I want to and getting hitched was the last thing on my mind. So I screwed up. It was unforgivable but he forgave me anyway.

Since then I've been in and out of relationships. Not one lasted for more than a year. I guess it was nature's way of getting back at me. He had relationships too but I never saw him seriously committed with someone. He's based overseas and all those years I never, for one instant, felt he detached himself from me. Whenever there was a major event happening in my life, he was there. He never missed my birthday. He made his presence felt in little ways he knows how. Whenever he's in Manila, he always made it a point that I get invited to most of his gimmicks, most of which I declined.

When he came back November of last year, he visited me at home. I was greeted with a tight hug, the kind that will make you wonder what he's been thinking. I was stunned so I just stood there motionless and cracked silly jokes to lighten up the awkward moment. I was in the mood to be bitchy that night so I let him do the talking and pretended I was listening. He noticed I wasn't showing a bit of interest so he left in less than 30 minutes.

He spent the holidays with his family here in Manila and that gave us more opportunity to spend time together. We had dinner a couple of times. We had our traditional drinking spree on New Year's Eve. On our last gimmick together he said goodbye in a very strange why. Said he was coming back in July but that I wouldn't see him anymore. I was too proud to ask why though I know he was up to something.

He was getting married.

We had a chance to talk before his civil wedding. It was the kind of talk I had been waiting for from him for so many years. The talk that I had expected we'd have over dinner...or when he brought me home after New Year. The talk I wished he had initiated when I got that warm hug from him...all those times I had waited for us to talk that way. No inhibitions. No expectations. The kind of talk where you unfold yourself to the person that matters most to you. The kind of talk where you take all the risk, you leap and hope you can fly (HITCH). Things could have been different if we had talked this way before.

Listening to him opened my mind to a lot of things. I began to understand why he kept me within his circle despite everything I've done. I began to appreciate why he worked so hard to give his family the life they are enjoying now. I began to understand why he kept calling the morning I got out of the hospital...I understood what unconditional love is.

The past flashed before me and I felt more unworthy. How could you snatch away someone five days from his wedding? How could you fight for someone when you know someone else is waiting to spend the rest of her life with him? I couldn't take him away from the one person whom I know could give him what I'm incapable of giving. He was better off. What right do I have to own him or to stop him when all I've done was take him for granted? The signs were everywhere and I missed all of it.

Learning of his marriage was an odd mixture of grief and relief. It was the sad realization that you will never really appreciate what you have until they're gone and the relief in knowing that for once, I did something unselfish for him.

Last night I greeted an old on his birthday but instead of a warm thanks I got a who-is-this-please reply which spoiled half of my day (let's hope I forget about it when I come back from lunch).

Okay, let me explain why I'm flaring up...I've known this guy friend of mine for more than 10 years, even before they got married and had kids. On their wedding, they asked my mom to be one of their Principal Sponsors. Also on their wedding, I sang while she was marching down the aisle...this song, by the way, was supposed to be my wedding march song but since we're friends, I suggested it and let them use it.

So what could she possibly have against me to repeatedly delete my number from his husband's phone? Yes, she deleted it. Her husband admitted it to me. Oh, did I say she didn't want me to be their child's Godmother? They have three kids now and not one of them is my inaanak. I know my friend fought for it on their first child. So on the second child, I thought I was one of the ninangs...I guess she raised hell because I'm still just a friend and not a kumare.

I've had enough of her already so this morning when I got that message, I lost it and expressed how utterly annoyed I was. I told him I won't text him until his wife gets her head straight...which, I guess translates to forever.

I recently bought my very first digital camera and an iPod Nano. For months, I've been contemplating on whether to invest in electronic gadgets and finally it's here. I had first thought of buying an iBook but when I found out how much it costs, I realized I can only afford to eat toasted bread and jam, and walk to and from work for the rest of year just so I can get one for myself.

I'm not a techie person so the last thing I have in my "things to buy" are electronics gadgets. The furthest I can go to being techie is updating my cellphone every now and then...actually, not even. My N70 replaced my old phone which I had for three years. I used to change phones annually but at some point, I got pissed at Nokia launching new models twice a year, I guess. It burned my savings for several years and I've had enough of it!

Giving birth to my two babies which, I named Cams and Sabrina, rendered me sleepless the whole night...and this morning, I did all the needful to make Sabrina useful starting tonight. I'm so looking forward to the things we can do together...taking pictures at random, listening to my favorite music while working out, going to places together etc.

Thanks Ching for taking time to find my babies!

Ritchie had a car accident three weeks ago. As a result, all our weekend plans were cancelled because one, we were gonna use his car and second, he was not in the mood to plan for the getaway.

Its all good. We resigned to stay in Manila over the weekend and just meet up on Saturday. But I think the accident hit Ritchie too hard in the head, he invited us to his house for dinner and drinks, all on him, to compensate for what has happened. So who are we to say no to this invitation...especially if Vodka is in the house.

We downed 1 liter of Absolute that night. Funny thing happened on our way out. Paolo parked his car outside the gate near Ritchie's house. When we were on our way out, around 3am, we saw that the pedestrian gate was chained and padlocked. Therefore, to exit you have to take the long way and that means a 15-minute walk at 3am and with alcohol running down your blood vessels. Forget it!

We ended up climbing the fence, about 6 feet tall. Flow, who was too scared, did it anyway. I did too. I used to do that when I was little, climbing the fence that divides our house and SM City. Then Rome crossed. When it was Jerome's time, he hit the fence too hard on his first step that it broke the chain...GATE OPEN.

Tagged myself :) (Got this from Aileen's blog)

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. No Cheating!
4. Tag people to play this game too.

How are you feeling today?
Cannonball (Damien Rice)

Will you get far in life?
Tell me where it hurts? (Kathy Triccoli)

How do your friends see you?
The Scientist (Coldplay)

Will you get married?
Where are you (Natalie with Justin Roman) - hahahaha...where is this beautiful guy? Who is he who is he?

What is your bestfriend's theme song?
Higher (Creed)

What is the story of your life?
Girlfriend (Julia Fordham) - woaahh!!!!! Don't tell your girlfriend about me, cause your girlfriend won't like girls like me.

What was high school like?
Especially for You (MYMP)

How can you get ahead in life?
Invisible War (Julia Fordham)

What is the best thing about your friends?
Why (Annie Lenox)

What is today going to be like?
Wherever you will go (The Calling)

What is in store this weekend?
It Ain't over til its over (Lenny Kravitz)

What song describes you?
Only Hope (Many Moore)

To describe your grandparents?
Again (Lenny Kravitz)

How is your life going?
I'll never get over you getting over me (MYMP)

What song will they play at your funeral?
Stickwitu (The Pussycat Dolls)

How does the world see you?
Encore (Jay-z)

Will you have a happy life?
These Dreams (Heart)

What do your friends really think of you?
Can't get enough of your love (Barry White)

Do people secretly lust after you?
Constantly (Vanessa Williams) - bwahahaha! yuuuccckkk!

How can I make myself happy?
Don't Lie (Black Eyed Peas)

What should you do with your life?
Stay (Cueshe')

Will you ever have children?
Trick of fate

April 15-16: Easter Salubong @ Discovery Suites

My MBA friends (Ching, Romeo, Jerome) and I decided to spend the holy week weekend at Discovery Suites. It was, again, a night of Vodka drinking and videoke singing.

For me, it was a night of reconnecting with some of my closest friends whom I haven't talked to a long time. I finally had the chance to open up my sentiments to these people. And somehow, it helped me realize where all my doubts are coming from...and most importantly, I realized, that wallowing is just a waste of my precious time and energy.

Don't Buy Pirated CDs...the Return

Jerome: Tuloy ba yung Tagaytay natin? May alam akong magandang resort sa Zambales, Club Morocco. May sports facilities, 20 meters away from the beach. Tapos from the glass door, ang ganda ng view ng beach. Pero yung beach pang view lang. Meron pang swimming pool pa.
Claire: Mas maganda yung alam ko, 20 meters away from the beach tapos may sports facilities...
Rome and Flip: Club Morocco!!!
Jerome: Oo, tapos 20 meters away lang from the beach yung resort.
Paolo: Oo pare, tapos may sports facilities pa yun.
Flip: Pero yung beach pare pang view lang.
Wilson: Yung Club Morocco? Maganda dun! Sa Zambales?! May sports facilities...
Rome: 20 meters away lang from the beach.

And the story goes on and on...

April 20-23: Bora bora

We were lucky to be in Boracay a week after Holy Week. I was told that majority of the working class was in Boracay during that time. Pedestrian traffic was a problem and the shoreline was jam-packed, you couldn't find a decent place to sunbathe. If it were possible, I bet local officials would put up a "standing-room only" sign at main entry points just to stop people from coming in.

It was surprising to see that only after a year, a lot has changed in Bora...Docking, on peak season, is at the other side of the island...D'Mall has expanded to cater to more boutiques. Havaianas, Billabong and Roxy seems like a basic commodity...and Andok's Litson Manok is a staple (I think their ultimate goal is MARKET SATURATION...if I'm not mistaken, there are now 4 branches of Andok's in just one side of the island)...and the prices just keeps on getting higher.

Despite all these changes, Boracay remains a paradise for me. A getaway from the hustle and bustle of city life. The moment I stepped foot on that powder-like sand, I lost all memory of work-related matters and only had one thing in mind...HAVE FUN!

On board a paraw-sail:


ATV drive...

Since April hit the chart, I was nowhere to be found! On weekdays, I work my ass out to shed more than 0.5lbs (so I can rightfully wear my bikinis)...and on weekends?!?!?! It's party time!

April 7: Bridal Shower Party for Anna
Condoms, clay-penis, porn movie, and VOOODDDDKKKAAAA...are some of the things that topped the night at Anna's bridal shower. She wanted to have a gigolo, but this girl is so pihikan, Gary Estrada look alike or nothing...we ended up with....RENE DE GUZMAN (sorry, private joke). Hahahaha...Here's a peak of Anna's shower.

April 8-9: Bamboo Cove, Puerto Galera

Still smelling of the Vodka I drank from Anna's shower, I headed to meet my MBA friends for our Galera getaway. I thought I was the only one stinking of alcohol and lacking of sleep, only to find out that Jerome didn't get the chance to sleep at all and Ritchie only had 3 hrs of sleep...Lets not ask how much Kathy got, elderly are used to sleeping early...hehehe...peace Kathy!

We stayed at Bamboo Cove which is a boat ride away from White Beach. Docked at Muelle Port then rode a van going to Bamboo cove. Ritchie's friend, Anna, said we have to cross two mountains to get there. We shrugged it off thinking it was an exaggeration...But hell no! It was indeed two mountains. You know you're on a mountain when there's nothing on either side but sunbaked bushes, spiny tree tunks and dried grass everywhere. Rutted dirt roads, and dust. Anyway, after 20 minutes (in a province where there's not much traffic, travelling for 20 minutes is a long time) we finally reached the place. We arrived there at around 12nn. Just in time for lunch.

That weekend was the most relaxing weekend I've had for months. Feasting on grilled seafood and meat every meal, playing beach volleyball and cards. Then billiards when you're bored with it. Telling your funny stories over coffee. Relax drinking at night. It was indeed a get away! That's what you call...A life!


Just like Knotslanding, these will be brought up in every gimmick:

Ritchie and the dilis

While snorkeling, Ritchie immediately surfaced, frightened from what he saw...
Ritchie: Ay....ang daming isdaaaaaaa!
(Afraid?! Diba kaya ka nga nag-sosnorkeling kasi gusto mong makakita ng isda?!)
***
The P and F depect...este defect

Ritchie: Alam mo ang ganda pala ng board shorts ko na to. Galing oh, water froop.
Claire: Ritch baka water proof. Hahahaa
Ritchie: Pucha, ilabas mo yan sa barkada, papatayin kita!
***
Don't buy pirated CDs

Kat: Claire, Jerome, ok lang ba kung magdagdag na lang tayo dun sa driver tapos pahatid na lang tayo sa kanya-kanyang bahay?
Claire: Sa kin okay lang. Ask nyo si Jerome.
Kat: Jerome, ok lang ba kung magdagdag na lang tayo dun sa driver tapos pahatid na lang tayo sa kanya-kanyang bahay?
Jerome: Eh kung magdagdag na lang tayo para mahatid tayo sa mga bahay natin?
Ritchie: Alam mo, di naman siguro malaki ang idadagdag natin sa driver pag nagpahatid tayo sa bahay natin no?
Claire: May mas maganda akong idea, eh kung kausapin natin yung driver na ihatid tayo hanggang sa bahay tapos bayaran na lang natin sya?
Kat: Hindi, magpahatid na lang tayo sa driver. Tapos magdagdag na lang tayo.

PS: When we got to Manila, hindi kami hinatid ng driver! Nagtaxi kaming lahat pauwi. Ang kulit nyo kasi eh!

Planning session for Anna's bridal shower: Will meet up with Flow and Mellay to plan Anna's bridal shower. I haven't seen Mellay in such a long time so this will be a chance to catch up. Yes, Anna is, indeed, getting married. Bridal shower is set on Apr 7. I wonder how the bigbarks bridal shower would be like...Tsinay's bridal shower kasi is very wholesome.

***

Boracay: Flip backed out from our Bora trip so I'm left with my brother and his girlfriend. Initially, I was upset after hearing this but I realized, I can't do anything about it so I have no choice but to be 'ok' with it. Things are not the same anymore. I sometimes find it hard to accept that my friends are moving on. I just miss them...I miss the fun we all shared before. Oh well, life should go on for me too. I'll just take this trip as my time to reflect on how my life was changed by the things that happened in the past and how I can use it make my life more meaningful.

***
Finding myself: I have been changing perspective and, honestly, I don't like what I think, feel and see. I feel like I'm losing the goodness in me, which scares me. Because I don't want to have a cold heart. I don't want to be someone who doesn't feel. I talked to Gs about this during our afternoon cigarette break and I was surprised to hear myself talking with so much anger, bitterness and regret. This is not me. I try so hard to to put up a happy facade, to give others the impression that I'm okay and happy, but when I'm on my own, I get to think about a lot of things. I get to think and wonder, why the hell am I getting all these challenges when all I have hoped for and done was to make other people happy.

I was at Days Weekend last saturday, and unlike the past Weekends I held back my tears when people started to crucify Jess. Hammering has always been the heaviest part of the Weekend for me because everytime that mallet hits the cross, I feel the pain He went through to save all of us...But I fought back the tears because I didn't want people to see that I was crying. Because, I thought, if I cried they would see how I empty I am. And they would only have pitty for me.

I only want to be happy...for crying out loud. How long do I have to wait to be happy? Gs said that I shouldn't rush it, that it will eventually come. Good Lord, please hurry. I don't want to lose myself.

to be continued...

I remember I didn't write about this when I heard the results. So for the benefit of those who don't know...here's the story of my trip to the fortune-teller.

Let's call her Mystica (not her real name). No relevance whatsoever, for some reason I kept thinking of a name that started with letter M. First it was Majesta, then there was Marina...then Madam...and then Mahal. Above all, I think Mystica sounds right.

Anyway, I decided to see her because I was damn bored that Saturday morning. My friend and his bestfriend were scheduled that day and they've been convincing me ever since. So I thought, why not? I had nothing to do that day and I have spare money to spend for it.

I would always term it "hula" but they refuse to call it as such. They would rather call it, aura reading. To give class probably...Kailangan may ganong factor?! Whatever the difference is...I don't know. I was a bit nervous and excited at the beginning...but the long wait eventually killed the excitement and made me more nervous. I was nervouse because I didn't know what I want to know about my future...I didn't prepare a list of questions I wanted to ask. Unlike my other companions who had a whole piece of paper full of questions. Actually, all I wanted to know was...will I ever find true love? That was it. Period. I didn't care about my career, well, I do care. But not as much as I care about my love life.

Anyway, when I entered she read my aura. Said it was light pink and something else (sorry I forgot). She asked if I had a boyfriend (Question: Can't she tell?). I said no, but I'm inlove. And then, she said..."Unreciprocated no?" Where the hell did that come from?! Yes. I think I've been unreciprocated for a decade now. That explains why my aura is light pink.

She then asked me to pick 13 cards from the deck of tarot cards she placed on the table. The first card, I think, gives a general picture of what my year would be like. The remaining 12 cards represent the highlights of every month. Meaning, 1 card for every month.

Well, her readings were quite interesting. Somewhere in the discussion she said..."Ano ka ba? Papalit-palit ka." That is because for this year...hold on tight...I will be involved with 4 men. It's raining men...Halleluiah its raining men...Amen! hahaha...She didn't say whether I'll have a relationship with these men. But she candidly said that I have to make my head rule over my heart...In other words, wag daw akong tanga. hahahaha One in January and another one in June. It just scared me though because she said, in June I will be in a relationship...what's with June and my relationships? Why does it always have to be in June?!?!?!?! Gggrrr!...But in July, I will be miserable because of that relationship. And because I'm too preoccupied with it, I won't notice that someone else is offering something better. Hhhmmm...She didn't say if I ever noticed that guy. But she moved on to the next month. Then in October, another guy will surface.

Before we closed, she asked me a question. Who would you rather be with? Someone your contemporary or someone older (around 40)? I immediately answered, of course, someone my age. She asked me to think about it...Apparently, this guy in his forty's, salt and pepper hair and an expat...will be offering me love. Wow! Suddenly, I will be an ADB dependent....at least I can buy Tilamook ice cream from the commissary. hehehe

Makes me think, who in ADB have been eyeing me for the last 3 years? hehehehe...I really can't say. As Ara Mina puts it...you can never can tell. Let's cross the bridge when there's water under. :)

Anyway, two months have passed and guess what? None of her hula came true. Let's wait and see. :)

I'm at work. Just finished playing badminton...went back to finish what I started doing this morning. But I don't feel like doing it yet so here I am blogging.

Was with my college friends last night...and again, I felt empty. Envious. Longing to find someone who'd sit next to me in gatherings such as those. In all our get-togethers, I could count the number of times I had someone sitting beside me. The last time I brought someone, they all thought he was 'the one', so did I. That was a long time. A lot of get-togethers have passed and I'm still alone. Somehow, I'm getting used to the feeling of going there alone (I think they're used to it to0)...and that if ever the times comes that I have someone to bring, I wouldn't know how to react.

Don't get me wrong. I don't long for someone just so I could be accompanied in those gatherings. Its just that I can't help but question, how come they found someone? They've all been together for years before they got married, while I couldn't even make a relationship last for more than a year. My relationships last for no more than 2 months...and if I'm lucky, it extends for another month. *sigh*

I really really hope there's something for me out there...

I need a drink!

"If anything is real, the heart will make it plain. There are some people who meet that somebody who they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some loves that don't go away.

And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be blessed to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever. Hope you find this kind of love in your life."

For the past two weeks I've been spending most of my time with my bestfriend, Michelle. Not all of my current friends personally know her. They just hear me occasionally say "my bestfriend". I have three bestfriends, by the way, they are Michelle, Mei and Annalee.

Michelle has been my friend since puberty hit us. She lives three floors down from my place. We went to the same high school but she's a year younger than me (nag-grade 7 kasi). On weekends, we would always spend time malling and/or dating. Yes, at very young age we're already dating. hehehe...When it's shopping, we're inseparable. We know every store in SM City. Greenhills tiangge addicts. And on Christmas season, we'd travel all the way to Divisoria to shop...We talk about almost everything. When we started smoking, after dinner I would always go to her place to smoke and have small chat...which eventually led to hours and hours of chatting. There were even times that we didn't know we finished half a pack of cigarette in just one sitting.

When she moved to the states (on the first year of our friendship), I was the most devastated. But the friendship just grew stronger. Though she was miles away, we were in constant communication...despite the absence of e-mail, chat and text back then. We were writing to each other (snail mail ito!) almost every month. The distance grew us closer together. Ironic diba? But honestly, I appreciate her friendship more when she moved away.

12 years after, a lot of things have changed. W'eve gained so much weight...hahahaha...(Michelle, admit it, you're medium-sized now!) We're older and wiser. Our problems have become more complicated (well, my problem is still my lovelife...hers has become more and more complicated). We have gone through so much. When I talk to her now, I get a lot of wisdom from her. When I listen to her problems, sometimes I can't help but feel ashamed of myself because what I'm going through now is nothing compared to what she's gone through. And despite everything, she remains strong.

I'm glad to be reunited with her...kahit na ngayong gabi di ko sya nasamahang uminom cause I'm under medication (damn antibiotics!). I'm glad that the friendship remained strong despite the years and distance in between. I'm looking forward to another 12 years of friendship with you.

As I was trying to get some sleep I remembered what Mars asked me a couple of years back which she quoted from Brad Pitt&Julia Roberts' movie, The Mexican. "When do you know that enough is enough?" "When I've given my all" I said... and went on to blab why. "Never" she said. I was silent. Shocked at how simple the answer was. There I was showing off how profound I can be only to find out that the answer was simple...never.

But later on I realized, never is never a simple word. To say never entails a lot of emotions and responsibilities from the person who uttered it...

So, when do you know that enough is enough? When do you know that you've done everything to save a relationship? When do you decide to get out of a relationship? When do you know that leaving a relationship is ultimately better than living in that relationship? When do you stop wallowing and start moving on? When do you tell yourself enough?

Enough is when you have nothing else to give in the relationship...and it just goes downhill from there. Enough is when you begin to compromise your values and the things and people that matter to you most. Enough is when you don't know who you are anymore. Enough is when you've lost your self-esteem. Enough is when you can't seem to put aside your differences and it always gets in the way of your relationship. Enough is when you can't be happy living in the relationship and everyday becomes a struggle.

Loving is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling one can ever experience. But when it becomes difficult for one or for both parties, you should start asking yourself why. If either or both parties are no longer happy staying in the relationship then what's the point of holding on to it?! Don't deprive your partner and yourself of the opportunity of finding happiness somewhere else. Move on.

I know its hard starting a new relationship..even finding a new one is difficult(I haven't even found mine)...And the gap between relationships can be hell. Yes, you'll miss so many comforts of a relationship: someone to drag when you need to run an errand, someone to spend your friday evening with, someone to walk the hallways with, someone to keep you company as you drive to work, someone to have breakfast with, someone to have a bottle or two after a hard days work, someone to cuddle and kiss. I miss having to lie in the passenger seat while my head rests on his lap. You'll miss everything and you'll come to a point that you wish you could take it all back. But when you reach that point, think about it one more time then ask yourself, will all the good times be enough to compensate his/her shortcomings? Is there more to give?

My answer still holds...enough is when I know I've given my all but you still remain hard as stone.